What Was I thinking? What Am I doing? How Did I End Up Here?

Mary Rodgers, July 17, 2006
Scripture: Genesis 28:10-22

As you know, last week nine youth and two adults were on a Mission/Wilderness trip in Arizona and New Mexico. Our youth director, Jane Sanford, coordinated the trip and we were all upset and saddened when a foot injury made it impossible for her to participate. Although she couldn't go, she was with us anyway. This is Stick Jane. She went with us everywhere. On the work site in Navajo country, through the bulging rivers, up the mountain, in the tent, safely—and I use that word loosely—safely carried in one of our 40 lb packs, sticking out, encouraging us, and sometimes even speaking back to us.

This is stick Jane now. I share stick Jane with you because I thought it would help you dig deep when I ask you to examine your own life and answer the following question: Have you ever had one of those moments when you stop, look around and say to yourself: "What was I thinking? What am I doing? How did I end up here?"

Jacob must have had a few moments like that. In our passage today we learn that he has left his family behind and has fled to the wilderness. By the time we catch up with him it is the end of the day, the sun is setting, and we can assume he has not had made it as far as he had wanted to and though he is being chased and his life depends on his ability to keep going, physically, he has to stop. He has no choice. So he does. Just a short rest, a power nap, then he can continue fleeing. Looking around, the only place to lay his head is a big stone, a rock, a concrete pillow. Utterly exhausted, he lays down. I wonder if he thought to himself: "Can it get any worse? No family, in the wilderness, being chased, life threaten, rock for pillow? What was I thinking? What am I doing? How did I end up here?"

This time last week nine of us were on the wilderness part of our trip. Sunday was the "mountain day." With 40 lb packs on our backs we climbed a mountain (emphasis on climb). The goal was to hike the switchbacks and be rewarded with a majestic view of God's world at the top (and a solar powered drink machine). Diet Coke and a view, what more can you ask for? It sounded like a great idea at the time especially since it would put us closer to getting out of the wilderness and into a hotel. So with determination and courage, off we go, up the WRONG TRAIL! Twenty minutes straight up. And 10 minutes back down. It was our warm-up. The youth and the other adult took it all in stride encouraging and motivating each other. I could not talk. Truth be told though our "warm up" might have been a blessing because when we got to the real trail, with real switchbacks it was easier than the wrong trail (easier, but NOT easy). Perspective is everything when you are in the wilderness. So there we were on our way up, in the wilderness, it was hot, it was hard, no water source, we were being chased—by exhaustion, and there wasn't one of us who didn't at some point during that hike say to ourselves: "What was I thinking? What am I doing? How did I end up here?" It's not a good place not even for Jacob.

In order to get the full impact of the story it's important to know some background information about him. He comes from a great family. He's Abraham's grandson. This gives him the best lineage you can have in the Bible. He has a brother, a twin named Esau. Esau is older by a few minutes which technically makes him the "older son." This is a privileged spot in the family. It's privileged because the all of the inheritance and the blessing of the father goes to that son. Unlike today, there are no wills or lawyers to divvy up the goods equally among the siblings. Everything goes to the first born son. Here's how it works. When the father is close to death he lays his hands on the firstborn son, blesses him and then everything is official. The firstborn son gets the blessing and the inheritance. Everyone knows this rule, it's how it is, it's tradition. But that doesn't mean everyone likes it. When Jacob's father Isaac is close to death his mother Rebekah overhears that he is preparing to give his blessing to Esau, his firstborn son. For reasons unknown she persuades Jacob to trick his father into blessing him instead of Esau. Now to make this long action packed, deception filled, thriller of a story shorter, the bottom line is that Jacob ends up stealing Esau's blessing.

And once a blessing is given, it's done; there are no take-backs or do-overs. The blessing and inheritance are lost to Esau forever. Understandably Esau is furious, and he sets out to kill his brother. That is how Jacob ends up alone. No family, in the wilderness, being chased, life threaten, a rock for a pillow. What was I thinking? What am I doing? How did I end up here? A bad moment.

On the trip whenever we had a meltdown, or a breakdown or a shutdown we simply said: "I'm having a moment." The worst one for me was at around 10:30 at night after 10 hours of hiking, it was dark, we were lost and I turned to Chris Hagner and said to him: "YOU TELL THEM I AM NOT OK!" Moment with a capital M. Despair. We've all had those haven't we. The end of our rope moments. We end up there for all kinds of reasons. For Jacob he arrived there through deception and trickery. That's certainly not the case for the nine of us last week. Each one of us made a conscious decision to challenge ourselves, to move out of our comfort zone, to learn how to be leaders, and to go into the unknown, physically, mentally and spiritually. Sometimes the moment is even more painful when you know you know you could have chosen differently and avoided the pain. At other times finding ourselves in a bad place has absolutely nothing to do with our own actions. Life happens, suffering happens, sadness happens, hopelessness happens, illness happens. But here are a few things to know about those moments. First, it doesn't matter how you got there, when you are in them, they are bad. They make us lack perspective. Regrets can hound us. Fear looms and misery mocks us. They are painful, and more than anything we just want out. Out of the swollen rivers, slicing grass, wet boots, dehydration, muck up to your knees, wrong turns, pain, and exhaustion. Even in a group the moment can be the loneliest place in the world. There is nothing good about being in the moment.

Here's the second thing about the moment: It does not last forever. When Jacob laid his head on that rock pillow and slept he had a dream about God. Now we cannot explain this away as a "just a dream." That's the inclination because dreams are a lot less difficult for us to accept than a direct divine appearance from God. But in the Bible dreams do not witness to a psychological state, a working out stress, or anxiety, or subconscious fears. Dreams are an actual encounter with God. Jacob's dream reflects not just a mental/psychological world but and actual world that can be slept on, touched and built on. (The New Interpreters Bible Commentary) Dreams are real.

A couple of things to note about this dream in particular. First, the encounter with God is on God's initiative. Jacob is asleep with absolutely no control over his internal life. At precisely this moment, this deeply vulnerable moment God appears not in judgment of his choices but to confirm that the promises that God made to Abraham long ago were going to be continued on through the blessing of Jacob. An affirmation to us that God works through all things for good even deceptions and lies. Secondly don't get distracted by the angels. They are props to the story they don't speak as messengers nor are they intermediaries between Jacob and God. When you realize this then Vs 11 stands out like a beacon in the night saying notice me, notice me! Verse 11 says: God stood beside Jacob. Not above him or below him but beside him and spoke directly to him. Thirdly, God's promises to Jacob are unusually long and specific there are eight different elements to which Jacob adds two more. I am not going to go through them all now but when you go home today bust out this passage and see if you can find them all. Finally the last thing to know about his dream is that when Jacob wakes up the basic circumstances of his life haven't changed. He's still in the wilderness, being chased, his life threaten. Esau is still after him. The circumstances haven't changed but he has changed which always happens when we encounter God and realize it. The mantra of yesterday - what was I thinking, what am I doing, how did I end up - here has melded into the mantra of promise: I am with you, I will keep you wherever you go, I will bring you back home, I will not leave you. Perspective is everything in the wilderness.

When we got to the top of that mountain last Sunday our circumstances had not really changed either. We were still in the wilderness being chased by exhaustion but we were all different in some way. One person who was never in the front of the pack was the first person to reach the top and I know in some way that changed her. Maybe she found a new confidence in her ability to meet the challenge. It was obvious by the demeanor of the group that our internal mantra's had changed too. I am with you, I will keep you wherever you go, I will bring you back home, I will not leave you. I know for me the fact that I even made it to the top confirmed that promise. I am with you, I will keep you wherever you go, I will bring you back home, I will not leave you. The group had changed too. As we descended the other side of the mountain which was difficult in and of itself, it occurred to us that slow and steady is better than run and gun when it comes to hiking. Leaders realized that they didn't have to be at the front to lead that sometimes the best place was in the middle or even the back. The moment does not last forever.

Finally, one last thing to remember about "moments" no matter how long they are: God works through them for good. I know I said perspective is everything when you are in the wilderness. Now that we are a week past the end of our trip our perspectives have sharpened. I know that there are a group of kids have the ability to lead their own youth group and take it to a much deeper spiritual place than and it was before. I know that there is a youth Elder who is so on fire for God and passionate about the youth that we all better watch out! I know that there are a several youth who, knowing what that they know now, would absolutely sign up again. I know that because of the moments we all found things in ourselves and about God that we didn't even know were there.

When Jacob woke up from his dream the first thing he said was: 'Surely the LORD is in this place-and I did not know it!' Isn't that a great line that totally describes what it is like to be just a little on the other side of the bad moment? 'Surely the LORD is (and was) in this place, and I did not know it!' Surely the Lord is in the place and I did not know it.

I am with you,
    I will keep you wherever you go,
      I will bring you back home,
        I will not leave you.

Perspective is everything in the wilderness.

© Copyright, 2006, Rev. Mary Rodgers
All Rights Reserved.
Providence Presbyterian Church
Fairfax, Virginia